I was working a function at some big mansion, an event was taking place with all of these strange rare deformed puppies. So ugly. But kind of beautiful at the same time. All these people were gathered in the elaborate sunken gardens outside.. gathered for some sort of new age spiritual talk perhaps. I wasn’t sure what it was exactly.
Then they all came inside.. I heard the organizer tell them to pair up.. but I had assumed he had meant amongst themselves. I was on the polished dance floor awaiting instructions when they all scattered to pair up. And then, BAM! A small older woman with short dark brown hair came up to me and pressed her hands on my chest with such pressure and force. She said “alright let’s open this heart” as she did it and it was so potent a magnetic surge, almost electric shock I was pushed back and we entered this strange swirling motion around the dance floor.
She had paired up with me. Another woman came up behind her, a middle aged woman with long golden hair. She held the old woman’s chest from behind, they spoke and laughed together, they knew each other and she had wanted to be her buddy. But the old woman chose me, she knew I needed it. Anyway 3’s were okay, the organizer had mentioned it previously. We swirled around the dance floor in amongst the crowd of other pairs. And as we did, they chanted. A chant about heart space.
As we spun and spun, I felt the tears welling up in my chest and I couldn’t contain myself from letting them out. My chest was burning up ‘neath her hands.They laughed. I felt as though I was the only one in the room crying. And they laughed, not mockingly or judgmentally but more as a gesture of joy. Though the air had a sternness about it, it was a stern kind of nurturing though and I felt safe and welcome.
Soon, a child was between us – the old woman had picked him up, a strange deformed troll looking thing (he was one of the puppies but it had turned out they were human children). Tufts of blond hair sitting above his head in a wave. Red shirt. Blue doughy eyes. I held him. The women disappeared and I was spinning, dancing, swirling with the child. I weaved through the crowd and sung (the classic pop songs that rained out from the speakers overhead).
I peered into the child’s eyes. Fear was there in me, tainting love. The child continually morphed from various states of health to disability and deformity. Still the moment was joyous, fear did not permeate very far. But, it was nonetheless vital in the functioning of the heart. In that, acknowledging , accepting and overcoming fear was necessary a step to being at peace with an open heart. Knowing full well that fear never dissipates but takes on new forms and continually propels us forward in growth.. in the cycle. In the swirling.
I remember swirling by 2 friends (twins) who made fun of me for getting the words wrong to the song I was singing. But it was all in a quick motion of joy. I don’t recall the song.
Then the scene changed I was by the pool again..with Male #1 (I must have been there before). It was evening in the gardens of a huge mansion, with lots of cream pavers but with a luscious garden there too. Cooling dark green palms and ferns. This whole place was an obscene display of wealth. It was not something that I’m at all accustomed to but I felt comfortable somehow. Our only lightsources were the moon, some little garden fairy lights and the lights from beneath the surface of the pool water. Surroundings as sexy as fuck.
I wriggled in my crossed legged position on the brick wall with him. We both wanted each other. But something happened. He said something. I don’t know what he said but I think it upset me.. maybe? Maybe I was offended ?? I suspect it was in relation to us not being together, though now I cannot be certain as to whether it was positive or negative. I jumped from the brick wall and dove into the pool in all of my clothes and abundance of jewels for a moment of peace. A seemingly absurd movement and physically impossible. I knew entirely full well that I was being dramatic but I needed it. I needed it to soothe myself so I didn’t care. I knew he was above the water captivated.
But as I was beneath the surface, gliding across the floor of the pool, time slowed down. the particles that were floating and sparkling in front of me glimmered and I realized there, in that womb-like space, that I was dreaming. I began to float upwards, though sort of worried about losing dream state, I somehow managed to remain there, in the water. And I knew exactly what I wanted to create, so I called for him, Male #2.
I steadily swam in around the same position in the water waiting for him. Looking out through the hazy night water field before me.. shadows in the distance. A baseball slowly motioned toward me from across the pool floor. My heart stood still. I couldn’t really deal with what was coming for me. I thought nothing would come. But I knew something was coming.
I swam to the surface, to the edge of the pool and propped myself up against it with my arms above the water. Still calling to him from within myself. Looking at the sky and the stars. So romantic a sky, like I had never seen before. So magical a sky, like many I have seen before.. only this time, with new eyes. I noticed the mansion next door was some kind of huge almost Gothic red brick castle.. an astonishing feat of design.
He touched my foot first. I felt him kiss me beneath the water. Little quick soft kisses. He emerged along side of me. We were still both so awkward. But he smiled and it was beautiful. I barely had enough time to process it before he let himself fall back so as illicit a swim backwards and I followed behind him there. It was play. I didn’t know whether they were friendship gestures or something more. But it was almost as if a narrator was speaking (with symbols not words) atop of it all. Of our future together and of him in his old age and about how his spine would shift (with an image of an ergonomic chair and a biological posture diagram).
We swam beneath the water together still and I swam in circles around him. He stood up like a statue, like a stone. And as I rose in circles swimming around him I saw his upper body above the surface, a grown man in tableaux. His eyes closed, holding a newborn in a nurturing embrace. His head turned inward toward its body. Geometry glittering celestial throughout their mortal structures. I, however, could not make out his identity anymore. It was a face I did not recognize but I wasn’t sure whether he was a symbol or .. what he was…
Had I let go of him? Was I going to let go of him at some point? If so.. when? It didn’t really matter anyway.. but heart was too full of joy and love to care about that.